Levels of Astronomy
By John Sparks.
If you pick up most any astronomy book or magazine, you may see a type of rating that is given for Astronomers. You will see words like “Novice, Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced and Expert” and wonder what these words mean. I have often asked myself; “What kind of Astronomer am I? What MAKES an Advanced observer ECT…?” While I know of no true guide to answer this question, I have been able to create my own comparison, which I doubt anyone will agree with. While it is written with a male opinion, most of this article can easily be put in the feminine text as well. The article is written with humor in mind and I do not wish to offend anyone:
Novice:
Buys a 60mm refractor “For his son” for Christmas, looks at the Moon. Discovers the scope has malfunctioned because the girl next door appears up side down. If she is ugly, the scope goes into the trash because the dang thing won’t show the footprints on the moon.
Beginner:
Buys a 3-4.5” reflector from a department store to impress the girl next door.
Invites her over to observe the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn and deny ever looking through her window. Now that she is suspicious, it’s time to be more careful. He discovers that store-bought binoculars are better for looking at her and still does well on the moon. If he doesn’t get caught peeping, he might advance to Intermediate.
Intermediate:
Buys a 6-8” scope of some type from company advertising out of Sky & Telescope or Astronomy Magazine. Observes details on the Moon, all planets except perhaps Pluto and some of their brighter moons. Starts observing Messiers and other bright deep sky objects with “monster binoculars” as well as the scope. He has started to harass his family and the girl next door with statements like “Let’s observe details on Mars all night!” Something is going wrong! He spends more time looking up then looking next door. He buys a computer for the sole purpose of getting a deep sky planetarium and emailing other astronomers. If he doesn’t get psychiatric counseling, he may become an Advanced Astronomer.
Advanced:
Buys an 8-13” scope and perhaps a camera and widgets till his Visa is higher than the national debt. He has enough astronomy books to fill a high school Library. He harasses everyone he knows with statements like “Let’s go into the snow-bound mountains and look for Herschel’s and the moons of Uranus till the sun comes up! I wonder how many Dark Nebula I can spot with Binoculars?” He forgot about the girl next door and his family wants him in the funny farm. He just used 2 gigabytes of hard drive space on images and software and wants more. He has gone beyond psychiatric counseling and he might become an Expert Astronomer.
Expert:
If his house hasn’t been repossessed, he buys a 16-40” Light Bucket and drives his bills so high that he has to count the digits in Light Years. Otherwise, he makes due with what he has or can make. He has read enough astronomy books to fill New York Library. WITH CD’s! He has observed so long that his eyes look like a member of Devo or has grown a beard waiting on CCD or Photographic Images. Either way, he looks like an astro-guru. He has created enough images and complicated programs to crash a mainframe computer. He plans his vacations on taking long trips to no where or Caltech or observatories enjoyed with a nosebleed and heart attack. He can compete with the Herschel’s for who has seen the most objects. He spends enough time with other astronomers till the girl next door thinks he’s gay. However, his only love is for the sky and he took his telescope to the Justice of the Peace to make vows. In the end, he sits in awesome bliss. He’s proud of the fact that his straight jacket holds more observing pins than General Patton had medals. When he passes on to that great observatory in the sky, his last wish will be that he is buried in his tube assembly. They will lower him into the ground to a recording of “When you wish upon a Star”. His gravestone is a mirror blank that reads: “Astronomers never die, they just forever stare into the sky!”
Knox-Out Skies:
Master Observer John Sparks.